Pain Can Drive You
by x'KatieLouise'x
Summary: Set after season 8 finale. Mark lives, Lexie dies. Mark doesn't understand how he's supposed to live and cope without Lexie. He misses her more than words and nothing eases the pain. And she's waiting for him... Reviews welcome please.


**So I'm new to Grey's Anatomy but I just watched them all, from start to finish in a very short amount of time. I immediately fell in love with Mark (who wouldn't?) and then with Mark and Lexie as a couple. In fact Lexie easily became my favourite character and I physically threw things when her relationships with Alex and Jackson came between Slexie. **

**So this is a short oneshot following the season 8 finale. I am still in shock and well, tears over the whole thing. Mark survives though.**

I know it's been done but hopefully you'll find this a bit different. 

**Reviews welcome (: **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Greys neither Mark or Lexie would have died. They'd have been together forever if I'd had my way. **

**Pain Can Drive You**

Numbness. All you feel is numbness. A painful, stabbing numbness that only seems to get worse throughout each passing day. You were never meant to feel this pain. You were only ever meant to feel and live through the good things in life, not the bad; definitely not the bad. And yet, here you are, stood at the back of a group of people all dressed in blacks and greys, barely listening to the priest saying something about what comes next after life, the rain is pummelling hard against your skin, seeping through every fibre of your Dolce suit and yet all you feel is numb. Nothing can hurt you now. Nothing can break the shell that ever so suddenly is...you. Nothing can heal the pain.

And nothing will ever bring her back.

You feel a hand lightly grab your arm in sympathy and you immediately recoil at the touch. You don't allow anyone to touch you now, especially that hand...that hand that grasped hers tightly because she begged for it, the hand that felt her own go limp and cold in your warm one, the hand you thought you'd use to hold hers every day for the rest of your life. But no, no one's allowed to touch you anymore because every time it reminds you of her touch. You wonder if the face of the woman now standing next to you resembles every other person that looks at you these days; sad, worried, sorrowful.

"Mark," Callie's voice sighs in a whisper next to you. "Stop torturing yourself, please. We're all here for you."

Your face finally raises from looking at the ground when you realise the priest has stopped talking and people are moving closer to the lowering casket. You initial reaction is to run. Running would stop this really happening, running would mean you wouldn't have to watch the horror movie unfolding before your stony grey eyes, running would mean this was a dream. But you know you can't, so instead you tighten your fists, your face unreadable as the casket lowers into the shallow, cold grave. Suddenly you see her family quivering above the hole as they throw a handful of soil with her, Meredith looks over at you, questioning whether you will too but your eyes flash to the ground once again.

How can you say goodbye to her?

You feel a light breeze blow against you as the congregation walk slowly and drearily past. Derek and Meredith glance back at you but you ignore them so now it's just you and her alone. You take a tentative step towards the hollow grave. You've only ever been to two funerals before and neither were like this. Neither caused such a numbness in you. You take another step and the rain begins to pour heavier.

Before you lays the woman of your dreams. The woman who changed your views on everything...on love. Every time you close your eyes you see her smiling face and it tortures your soul to breaking point.

Your Lexie lies before you. Your Lexie. The love of your life. The first woman you ever saw a real and long future with.

And she was gone. She was dead.

And suddenly, as if realisation finally dawns on you, you crash to the ground, mud splattering over your over priced suit, your hands cover your face and your tears fall into synchronisation with the rain.

Lexie was gone.

And now so were you.

"Mark?! Mark?!" You throw a pillow over your head to wash out the screams of your name. The door opens and you groan from the bright light. "Jesus Mark! This places is a mess! And...oh God, what is that smell?!" You ignore Callie and inwardly swear at her. "Get up! Now!" Suddenly the duvet is pulled off of you.

"God damn it Callie!" You turn and glare at her. Doesn't she understand you're broken? Doesn't she understand that everything about this life reminds you of Lexie? The woman you had to bury, the woman you watched die right before your eyes?

"This has got to stop! Everyone's too scared to say anything but I think I have the right to. You're my best friend Mark, the father of my child and she needs you so you need to stop acting like this!" Your eyes stare at her but even she can see you're dead behind them. "Please." She sighs and you feel a sadness for her. She's trying to fix you but you won't let her.

"Callie..." You feel guilty having another woman's name leave your lips. Life shouldn't be like this. Life shouldn't have you feeling guilty for saying a name or anything else for that matter but you do, you feel guilty for living because Lexie no longer is.

"She wouldn't want this."

You know she's right but you still don't hear it, not really. She wouldn't understand. At least Arizona is alive. Lexie's not. Lexie's dead. She's gone. How the hell did this life suddenly come into play?

Joe's was like a second home to you now. You indicate for another scotch and Joe warily passes you one. You take a glance around and a wistful, half smile crosses your handsome face when you remember the times you and Lexie shared here and all the times you should have had.

Would things have been different if Sloane had never shown up? If Callie had never gotten pregnant? Would she have still been on that plane or would someone else have sat in that seat at the back? You hated the what if questions that constantly whirled through your now messed up head.

"Now you're looking lonely. Wanna buy me a drink?" You freeze feeling the delicate hand on your forearm. You recoil quickly hearing her gasp in surprise.

"No." Your voice is low and you don't even look up from your drink. She rushes off before you can even take another intake of breath.

"Now that wasn't very Mark like." You let a sarcastic chuckle escape your lips. "Meredith sent me to come and get you."

"I don't need a babysitter Derek." You voice is even lower than usual, that's what endless drinks will do to you.

"We're all worried about you."

"Well don't." You don't understand that it's hard for them all not to worry about you. Every time you take another sip of whatever alcoholic beverage you have before you they fear that it will be your last, every time you walk out of the hospital doors they worry you're never walking back through them. They worry because none of them would be able to cope if they lost you as well.

It would be like a stack of dominoes, when one falls, the rest do too.

"Mark," Derek sighs and twists in his stool to face you. "I know you miss her, we all do, but this has got to stop. Lexie wouldn't want you to act like this, you have to take care of yourself," he removes the almost empty glass from your loose fingers, "You have to take care of Sophia."

You know what he's saying is right. But it doesn't really help the stabbing pain you feel when Sophia's name is mentioned to you. You love her, of course you do, she's all you ever really wanted but Lexie and you were supposed to provide her with brothers and sisters. And now that dream's gone.

"You have to stop this."

"I can't." And you steal the amber liquid back and gulp down the remaining drops. "Another."

"_You're in me, it's, it's like you're a disease, it's like I am infected by Mark Sloan."_

You squint your eyes tightly closed. The words keep ringing in your ears and whirling around in your mind, eating away at you. If you'd have just told her that it had always been her, that you too were infected by her in the most wonderful way possible. But you didn't, instead you just looked and breathed.

"_And I just can't- I can't think about anything or anybody and I can't sleep, I can't...breathe, I can't eat."_

Her words now taunted you because you walked away. How could you be so stupid as to walk away from her? She was confessing such a deep and incandescent love for you and you just walked away? You place your head between your knees as the words continue on in their loop.

"_And I love you, I just, I love you, all the time it's just every minute or every day, and I- I- I-I- I love you." _

"I love you." You mumble with your head still firmly in place. The tears burn in your eyes. You never realised that you could miss someone so much. Her words were like knives carving into your heart now, her words that were spoken from those ruby red lips of hers, those lips that you'll never get to touch again, those lips that you'll never get to feel against your own ever again.

All of a sudden you're in your bathroom, releasing the contents of your stomach into the toilet. You crash against the side of the bath when it's over and the tears finally fall and you doubt they will ever stop. You hold onto the edge of the bath tightly and you wonder that if you'd actually held on to Lexie this tightly that she'd still be here today. You don't hear the knock on your door, or it opening and Callie calling your name. You don't hear anything; you can hardly even feel it when Callie wraps you into her embrace tightly. You don't however, pull away from her, instead you release your grasp on the bath and hold onto her instead. She doesn't say anything to you; she only rubs your back gently and kisses your head.

"I..." you choke on the word. "I love her so much..." You sob and your head falls into Callie's neck. You scratch at her clothes to bring her closer and she doesn't mind.

"I know," you don't realise that Callie is crying now too.

"I need her...I can't..." you pull her even closer. "I can't...not without her." Callie suddenly let's go of you and instead grasps your head in her hands to force you to look at her.

"Don't," your eyes refuse to meet her own tear stained ones. "Don't you dare talk like that; Lexie would not want this Mark. She would want you to carry on as best you could, and eventually move on." You shake your head.

"She's waiting for me, I know she is. She has to be."

"Yes Mark, she is. But not now, your time is not now. She'll always be waiting for you, but not now! Because you've got to watch Sophia grow up okay? I understand how much pain you're feeling but she wouldn't want this."

"She didn't know...I should have told her sooner, I wasted time...I wasted our time together..."

"She knew," Callie whispered as she pulled you back into her embrace. "She knew, of course she knew, you guys were meant to be, and you didn't waste any time with her."

"Callie...I just don't know how..."

"I know, but it'll get better...I promise."

You miss her, each and every day but somehow, somehow it's getting easier to survive. Around every corner of the hospital or even your home you're reminded somehow of Lexie but it's okay now. Now you can smile instead of breaking down. Now you can go a day without a drink or even thinking about those what if questions that used to torment your mind.

This has been the hardest year of your life and the people on the outside world wouldn't understand why. To them, you just lost a colleague in a plane crash, sure you'd cry about it but you'd deal.

Doctor Lexie Grey was not and would never have ever been a colleague to you though. Everyone who knew you both would know that; could see that. Lexie Grey would have been your wife one day and the mother of your two boys and girl. You smile at the thought, a wistful, sorrowful smile.

You now believed in fate. It was fate that led her to you; there was no mistaking it now. Everything about your life with her was completely serendipitous. And you wouldn't have had it any other way.

Every now and then you cry over the what could have been's for you both, but it's not every day like it once was. And her smiling face is still the last thing you see before you fall asleep at night and the first thing in the morning. Of course it's not the same as it was when she'd be lying next to you, and you'd watch her sleep for a few minutes before she'd open her beautiful eyes at you and then she'd smile at you, you loved that smile, that...happy and peaceful smile. But, it was just as good these days. If you couldn't see her or feel her anymore at least you could dream of her.

You were pleased that the sun was shining and that Sophia was with you. You awoke that morning feeling strong enough to do this, to visit the grave the love of your life was in for the first time since the funeral.

You handed Sophia a small bunch of flowers as you held a larger bunch in your own. Sophia looked at you with that toothless grin of hers, an exact replica of your own and you feel the pride swell in your chest.

"Daddy, where we?" she asks in her cutest voice. You stop and bend down to kneel in front of her. You tug at the zip on her coat and pull it all the way up and then pull her hat further down on her head.

"Remember that I told you about Lexie?" she tilted her head to the side before nodding at you.

"Daddy's wife." She smiled and you let a light laugh fall from your lips. You feel the pang of regret and grief in your chest but it doesn't last as long as it did before.

"Yeah..." you glance over at her grave in the distance. "Well I thought you'd like to meet her." Sophia grinned her toothless grin again and nodded her head at you. You stand up and take her hand in your own.

You reach the plot and fear suddenly arises in you. You're not ready; you can't handle this because it's not really real. She's not lying six feet under your own feet right now. She can't be.

"Hi Wexie." Your eyes widen slightly as you watch Sophia place the flowers on the grave. "Daddy misses you. A wot." She looks up at you and smiles before skipping away to a tree nearby. You smile a teary smile and the tears fall for the first time in a while. You kneel down.

"I can't believe Sophia can handle this easier than me." You chuckle and you remember how she'd said once that she loved the sound. "She's right, I miss you. But I'm okay now...almost, she's helped." You smile over at your daughter as she chases butterflies. "I wish you were around to watch her grow up with me, I wish we could've had longer together. I wish a lot of things could've happened differently but that's all they are I guess, wishes. God Lexie what did you do to me? I didn't think it was possible to love and miss someone this bad. I just want you to know that I meant everything I said that day...and that I never wanted to let go of your hand. In fact, sometimes, I pretend I'm still holding it. That's sad isn't it? You'd laugh at me for that right? I love you. Just, I always have and I always will. I promise. And I promise I will visit more often. I was just scared that it would all become real. I guess I'm still living in the hope that this was all just a bad dream."

"Daddy look!" You turn and smile seeing Sophia holding out a flower for you.

"Okay kiddo, it's time to go." She rushes back towards you and wraps her small arms around your legs. You turn back to the grave and close your eyes. A calming feeling washes around you and you know it's your Lexie. "I love you. Forever." And you know Lexie's waiting.

"_I love you. So, yeah, just take your time, I, I'll wait." _

**Reviews would be appreciated. Gah, I'm crying and all upset again. **


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